8 – Want to Hear What I Heard?featured

IT’S NOT A BAD THING TO NOT KNOW BAD THINGS

I served as a counsellor in a bishopric for over five years before being called to be a bishop. At one point as bishop, I was asked to help an individual work on getting their temple blessings restored. Temple blessings restored??? I knew this individual for many years and would talk with them regularly at church, and yet I had no idea they had been through any Church discipline!

Side note: If you were part of that ward, please read through this post before deciding if you want to try determining who it was. If you still want to, I have not made my point.

It is only under very rare circumstances that the Church would announce a membership council outcome – or even that one happened. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is grounded in the knowledge that all people will sin. So, a Savior was provided, the Atonement of Jesus Christ miraculously performed, and every day millions of people make course corrections that improve their lives, helping them become more like our Heavenly Father. This is called repentance, and it is beautiful.

Somewhere along the way, gossiping may get a place in what you are going through. It ruins relationships and hinders growth for everyone, from individuals to entire wards. It is easy to do, and I suspect most of us have done it, but it is insidious.

IS IT REALLY BEING A GOOD FRIEND?

Through this process of repentance I am going through, I have become terrified of how my words can hurt others. What may seem to be simply sharing a story with a close friend that puts another person in a bad light can jeopardize my friend’s testimony in the future. If I told a friend something “Earl” had done wrong in the past, that friend may remember it every time he looks at “Earl”. I may have no idea that “Earl” regrets his action and has made the appropriate improvements in his life (AKA repentance), and neither does my friend know. “Earl” goes on to be bishop of the ward and every time my friend sees “Earl” on the stand he remembers what I told him. “Earl” is labelled, and my friend now has to choose between thinking: “Bishop “Earl” is someone who has overcome something and is a better man than ever” or “Bishop “Earl” is a sinner, and the Church must be full of hypocrites” – a very possible thought if my friend is struggling with his testimony at that point. When you think of it in this light, while we are most likely to share gossip with a trusted friend, it is potentially a very cruel thing to do to that friend’s mind. Sharing gossip with a friend is not being a good friend.

If the story I share of “Earl” is that he has overcome some problems and is a better man for it, we can all look at “Earl” with respect and appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Details of the sin most likely do not need to be included. Sharing others’ information, be it true or not, is delicate and must be handled carefully and with the proper spirit. Receiving information about others is full of potential misunderstanding and negative judgment.

THERE IS NO FACT CONTROL OPTION FOR YOU AND ME – GET OVER IT

Are you being permitted to go through your repentance process with only a small number of supportive people who know about it; or have others been talking?

I have been both tried and blessed by the choices of others who have decided to gossip. I get it – it is not common for a bishop to lose his membership. For a time, I tried to control the gossip a little bit. I would truthfully say “I have not apostatized, stolen money from the Church or had sex with anyone and that’s all I am saying”. That would often be responded to with “well that’s not what is going around” or “that’s not what I heard”. Maybe adding this to my blog is still a bit of standing up for myself, but I share it to make a point. I am not saying we should not defend ourselves.  Though I decided that when it came to gossip, how I conducted myself would do more to speak to who I am than would jumping in and, possibly, overreacting to the actions of those who had already decided to believe what they wanted. 

Those who gossip really are telling you more about themselves than they are saying about the other person.

I listened to the first three rumors about myself and realized that listening to them helped nothing and just caused me emotional damage. None of them were accurate and the temptation was to present my case in reply. I am experienced enough to know that doing so would only muddy the water and would likely cause the same problems for others. I also found I would analyze what I had heard and try to attribute portions of the rumor to source the individuals who started them.  Then I had to cope with, and repent of, the feelings that would stir up inside me. It became such a head game.

KEEP YOUR FOOT AND HEAD OUT OF IT

I quickly made a rule for myself: I would not gossip – even about myself! I did try a few times to hear what was being said about me and am embarrassed about that now.

A few people encouraged me to stand up for myself and ensure my story got out there. But, it was clear to me that, even if I tried to defend myself, there was no guarantee my story would not be twisted by the time it got to the second ear. I decided to just let it go.

Cutting out gossip was not easy. People would try to share with me something someone had said about me. I would shut it down, but while I would not hear the rumor, that information alone would inform me who was talking. I was now aware of some who were getting on the phone to make a call just to pass along what they had heard about me. That took an effort to manage in my head. There was an irony when it would be a person whom I knew through my calling as a bishop had their own problems to deal with and would be crushed if their problems were being broadcast. I found a strange comfort in knowing that, because I had not heard an accurate rumor about myself, it was likely they had not either, and that helped. In all of it, only a couple of people reached out to ask me for my story. One claimed they just wanted to be supportive, yet I heard (6 months later) they were bringing me up at a dinner conversation with others! Amid all of those poking around, I only shared my story with one, one who I completely trusted – and still do.

A HISTORY OF PEOPLE GOING SILENT

It is common that when any bishop is released, some in the ward just don’t talk with you much anymore. This is for a few reasons. It turns out that when you are released from Church membership there are even more. There are people whom I considered friends who no longer return calls. I can only assume reasons why, but assuming is a dangerous thing. I still love and care about all of them – even those who feel the need to share what they have heard about me with others – but it hurts, and I miss them.

AND THE RUMORS GET GOING

I knew the stories were starting when a few of the longer-in-the-tooth men from a couple of my wards sent texts saying things like “I just want to thank you for all you have done for our family”, “If you ever need to talk I am here for you” and a few other kind words. I appreciated their reaching out and love and respect those men even more for the effort. It was an example of what ministering is to be.

One of my former young men told me he received a phone call asking if he had heard about me and he responded with “No, and if you didn’t hear it from him it is BS and I don’t want to hear it so shut your pie hole”. How do I not love the guy for shutting it down like that for me?  

Truly, the gossip is just a product of the big yellow school bus experience (post 5 – “The Big Yellow School Bus”) and labelling it that way in my head was a big help. Everyone on the bus is at their own point in their learning, and while they may still have work to do on gossiping, they are likely ahead of me in other areas. It is best that I don’t regress from whatever grade level I am currently at just because they may have room for growth in the gossip area. We all have room for growth.

I recall an experiment my brother and I tried in the hallway at church as teenagers. We would stand near people we thought were gossipers and loudly share stories with each other to try and get a rumor going. Later that day as we sat around the dinner table we would tell mom the story and ask her to tell us when it got back to her. Our efforts failed because we neglected the fact our mother did not have conversations of that nature with others. I love my dear Mother! Oh how I love and appreciate my mothers example to me.

FINDING THE POSITIVE THROUGH THE PAIN

I mentioned earlier that I have been both tried and blessed by others’ gossip. There are some who think less of me because of hearing it, and that has hurt. At times, gossip has fostered the temptation to lash out at others, label others, and become bitter. But I have also witnessed others who have overcome gossip. From their example of Christlike attributes, I have learned that I can find the strength to improve myself and support and minister to others when they go through something similar in their lives. 

Perhaps you are allowed to work through your repentance without insidious gossip – the way the Lord would have it. Perhaps you may have to deal with people using their agency in a way that hurts others’ feelings – and even testimonies. Whatever your experience, I promise you the Lord understands and will help you as you lean into Him. The Scriptures are loaded with proof.

My decision to not gossip – even about myself – has been rewarded with a much greater measure of peace in my life. I hope you find this for yourself. See also Post 38 – “Why I Lost My Membership”

*What are your thoughts on gossip now that you are in this situation? How has it affected you? Please comment below – and follow me on Instagram at onesheep.blog to help me find others who have lost their membership!