39 – Batten the Hatchesfeatured

There are many aspects of losing my membership that I anticipated. I anticipated there would be people who would judge and gossip about me. I guessed that some friends would not feel like friends anymore. I imagined that I would be tempted to avoid Church. I expected there would be some very dark times. What I did not anticipate was how selfish I would feel as I went through this process.

THE STORM IS HERE

Being kicked out of an organization, and then being gossiped about and shunned by those people can put one in a “batten the hatches” mindset fast. “Batten the hatches” is an old nautical term implying bad weather is coming and the ship needs to be prepared to minimize damage or avoid sinking. This kind of mindset is an understandable response to losing one’s membership.  The emotional and spiritual storms are increasing, and we want to feel some sense of stability and safety amidst the tempest, so we take down the sails and retreat below, so to speak.

In responding to my storm, I found myself becoming focused heavily on myself. There were so many hours put into self-reflection, and self-preservation spiritually and emotionally. I was deciding what parts of myself to preserve and what parts to move on from. I was constantly processing questions about myself. Who cares about me anymore? What do I believe? What is left for me now? What do I want? I felt selfish.

I have contacted several people who went through Church discipline to ask if they similarly felt a sense of selfishness in this situation – or if I was alone. All of them replied that they had. Responses were either a quick and resolute “yes”, or statements like, “You lose your ministering brothers and sisters, your ability to serve, you can’t say anything in church, you can’t pray, you can’t “perform” in sacrament meeting, you can’t speak at the pulpit, you can’t serve in any capacity.” Essentially, you stop focusing on serving others and are forced to make decisions for and put time into yourself.

THE SUDDEN CHANGE IN FOCUS

For those who were fully engaged in Church life, the sudden change of focus from looking out to serve others to an attitude of sometimes painful self-preservation is dramatic. This sudden change in circumstances must be navigated carefully and prayerfully to keep a healthy balance and perspective.

I recently attended a multi-faith conference on Kin and Kindness. While all the speakers had much good to share, I was particularly struck by a comment from the Jewish Rabbi. There is a quote from Hillel International that states “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?”

IF I AM NOT FOR MYSELF, WHO WILL BE?

If you and I do not stand up for ourselves, who will? I hope we all have friends who look out for our best interests, but there will be some who don’t, and some may even be looking to sink you. Some bosses will not respect your work, some friends will not respect your wishes and some family members will not respect your voice. Under normal circumstances, life’s challenges can be disheartening.  This can be accentuated in a situation such as losing one’s membership, where we are also undergoing a staggering loss of our sense of belonging and community.  We may sometimes have support from people who try to help in one way or another, but we ultimately must stand up for ourselves and our needs. Even setting boundaries on what we will and won’t allow to derail our healing and repentance process. If we don’t, if we “give in” to other’s demands or expectations to keep the peace, we can neglect ourselves to the point where we are not functioning healthily.

This applies to our spiritual nature as well. God needs to be intentionally invited and accepted in our lives while Satan will simply push himself through the front door. I found that I need to read scriptures, pray and put my heart and mind in conditions where the Spirit can comfort and teach. 

During this time more than ever, fear, negativity and every other spiritually unhealthy thought and emotion will push their way onto the stage of our brains uninvited. It takes no effort to start judging others or go down the rabbit hole of negativity – it easily just presents itself. “Who are they to judge me?”, “How can God let this happen?” and other unproductive thoughts are always at the door. If I was not going to take the initiative to control my thoughts and emotions, Satan certainly was. 

I commented in the last post 38 – “Why I Lost My Membership” that I have chosen not to share the details of the circumstances leading to my loss of membership. I had several who were encouraging me to share “my side of the story” but I recognized how that would affect others. I chose to simply state “I have not apostatized, stolen money from the Church or had sex with anyone”. That response bothered some, and others felt it did not go far enough to satisfy their curiosity.  But I decided it would be a way to stand up for myself. This was the first step in learning to advocate for myself, despite others who did not want me to speak up or move forward.

Whether dealing with mortal or spiritual interactions and regardless of how selfish it may seem, I have found the need to stand up for myself more than I had in the past. 

IF I AM ONLY FOR MYSELF, WHO AM I?

I have struggled with the inclination my loss of membership has created within me to focus much more on myself than I did previously.  I also had to learn to not apologize for that. When a dog is injured its demeanor changes, it may even bite the owner whom it normally would do anything to please. Its circumstances turn its focus from pleasing others to its own pain and survival. The only thing the dog can respond to is its own pain and fear. For a time, I felt the same way. I did not lash out at anyone, but I could better understand why some do. Yet still, the temptation for me was to forget about everyone else and only focus on my hurt and my wants. It felt selfish, and I did not feel comfortable with it. I didn’t want to be that guy.

I found that I needed some time to hide in my shell and lick my wounds, but like a dog going after its stitches, if we spend too much time self-absorbed, we will do more damage than good. Having my motorbike gave me time to focus on myself and my relationship with God, but when I started dropping in for short visits with friends and acquaintances, I found even more healing. Reconnecting with and finding opportunities to help others was healthy for my spirit. 

As Covid released its tight grip and in-person sacrament started back up I volunteered to disinfect the chapel before meetings. I asked the Elders Quorum president to think of me when service projects were to be done. I prayed for and sought out opportunities to serve others to counterbalance the selfishness I was feeling in focusing so much on myself.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

One friend who had lost his membership shared this with me: “The freedom from other obligations also led me to believe that “working on myself” is job #1.  I took this seriously for a long time and used my resources (time & money) to read, do counselling and figure myself out. Yes it’s selfish, but there is an element of selfishness that’s important – in fact – vital (think – water cannot be drawn from an empty well). 

Having distance from the Church was liberating and empowering, but it didn’t take long to become very comfortable.  Too comfortable.  That’s probably a huge problem for many people.  Whew – I’m finally rid of that burden.”

This time that you and I have been given comes with freedom from Church callings, talks and time commitments. Church membership offers a lifestyle designed to lift us from being a natural man, thinking only of ourselves, and in contrast fostering personal growth and love for others. But now that the Church has given us that time back, why not use it to connect with Heavenly Father and find out more about ourselves in the process? 

Amulek’s invitation feels expressly for you and me: “Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore, if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you. For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.”  Alma 34:31-32

THERE ARE NO MANUALS, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER

I can find no manuals or training in the Church which are specific to helping you and me through this. I find our situation to be unique in this matter. Materials have been created for those dealing with death, divorce, financial problems, pornography, transgender issues and pretty much anything else, but I can find nothing for you and me as individuals who have lost our memberships. 

If we are lucky, we have supportive leaders and friends, but even if we don’t, God continues to have His arms open and is waiting to help us right now. We must still walk this path, but I KNOW He will take every step beside us and come to our aid in very personal and loving ways. As selfish as I have felt in this, I have realized this introspective time has value. I am thankful for it. There have been some very emotionally and spiritually stormy days, but I am still in the boat and navigating through it. My little ship has not capsized or sunk. I have not given up my belief in God and continue to exercise faith in Him and His son Jesus Christ. Because of that, my personal experiences with Them have continued and my testimony has grown. So can yours.