25 – The Victim Card – Part 1featured

“you’re such a Victim!”

Back when I was in High School that was an insult. Most often it was insinuating that somehow you were a lesser person – most likely with even lesser brain function. When it was verbally hurled at you, as with any other insult, it was your turn to decide if you would internalize the accusation or brush it off.

Today being called a victim has become so much more powerful. 

There is a temptation for you and me going through Church discipline to feel we are victims. It may be that we feel we have been misunderstood, lied about, or targeted by a leader who had it in for us. Today I want to share my thoughts and observations on this line of thinking, I hope it helps empower you.

WHAT IS A VICTIM?

Dictionary.com defines a victim as:

“noun

1. a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident.
2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by their own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: (ie) a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion.”

Remember blog 6? That is where we discussed that our problems come from three sources: 

1) our own decisions 

2) others decisions, or 

3) the Petrie dish of life (genetics, weather, or as dictionary.com says, “some impersonal agency”.)

Thesauraus.com uses as synonyms, words like dead, fatality, injured, sufferer and wounded.

At an initial glance, those words feel physical in nature to me. They denote some ailment that afflicts the body or physical brain. The definition uses “a car accident”, but other examples could be food poisoning, a dog bite, or heaven forbid rape. I’m sure you get my point. 

Being a victim in some physical event is not comfortable. It requires physical and sometimes emotional healing. That healing sometimes comes with time and sometimes with medical attention. Those events are often scary and scarring. They can stay in our minds for years and even affect our decision-making throughout that time. When I was 11 years old and delivering flyers a black Labrador named George chased me down and bit the left cheek of my rear end. I still clearly remember that incident. I remember the embarrassment of laying on the bed as my mother put iodine on my backside wound. The physical scarring is long gone, but the emotional scarring is still there. 

That emotional scar has healed enough that I can be around dogs, and even love them, but I am always aware of the damage they can do, and I handle myself accordingly to avoid being bitten again.

TODAYS VICTIM

Today, in 2023, the use of the word victim has expanded from the way I remember it being used in the mid-80s.

It is now far more common to hear the term describe the result of destructive interpersonal verbal dialogue. When someone does not like what another person has said they may now indicate that they feel victimized. Some people seem to also use the label on themselves to adopt emotional pain from physical or emotional pain that was forced upon someone else, but not necessarily intended for them. We see this in people who don’t just advocate for another person, but take an offence performed against another individual and feel they themselves are victims. It goes beyond “mourn with those that mourn” Mosiah 18:9 and becomes “being offended because someone else is offended”. 

Being offended or putting on the Victim label because someone else has been victimized is not empathy and does not guarantee to help the other person, often it just dilutes the legitimacy of the victimized person’s claim. Comparing a situation to a Nazi concentration camp when it clearly is not, dilutes the absolute horror of what those Jews and homosexuals experienced.

I do not intend to turn this post into a discussion about what does or does not constitute victimhood.  However, I think it is a worthwhile exercise to think about whether you want to wear the victim label proudly or choose to put on a different one. My concern is that it is so easy to be deceived or manipulated in so choosing because, the minute you put on the Victim label, you open yourself up to be victimized. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

WALK THIS THROUGH WITH ME

The Plan of Salvation is awesome! I love how it helps me understand the meaning and purpose of life. I love how it shows me how to find balance when the world feels so unfair and mean. I love how it provides hope and healing for me when I make mistakes and when I hurt others. But that same plan means life is going to be full of physical, emotional and even spiritual bumps and bruises – for me and for others.

I have already experienced all of those, and I will yet experience more of them, and so will you.

In a physical injury situation, the healing follows a process. It must be diagnosed, the body must be nursed, and the moment comes when the individual must take on the responsibility to get moving again. To fully recover, they must take charge of living the way they once did – or in a new way if the injury was significant enough. The important thing is to see the process through so the individual can be as healthy as possible. Quitting on physical therapy, for example, will not allow for the best possible recovery. I have a bad shoulder that proves that point.

If it is an emotional injury, one needs to recognize that there is also damage. It may require competent counselling, and that is okay. Then there may even need to be nursing or caring for the individual, carefully guiding them back to being able to take full responsibility for themselves again. The individual may be able to go back to living the way they once did, but there is a probability that some new skills in managing emotions or coping under pressure will need to be developed. If the process is followed through as competently as possible, there will be growth and resilience built up in the individual.

LET’S TRY SOMETHING HERE

I suspect that If you were to close your eyes and reflect on ways that others have negatively influenced your life it would not take long for you to find several. Likely even some that feel unfair. Maybe it is unfair, maybe it isn’t – but it feels that way. (I think you most often must take some time away from an experience to become objective enough to determine what truly is fair or unfair) Maybe what you are thinking of relates to your recent situation of having lost your membership, and maybe it doesn’t – anything works for the sake of this exercise.

Which of the following questions best describes how you are dealing with that experience that feels unfair? 

1. Have you made it a regular focus of your thoughts? Have you let it affect your happiness?
2. Have you buried it with other thoughts to avoid how it makes you feel or to avoid dealing with it?
3. Are you planning to do or say something to “make sure” fairness is restored? If you are, what kind of feelings are motivating that action?
4. Have you accepted that the experience happened, it hurt you, and you are now going to let it go and move on with your life?

How might each of these ways of dealing with your experience impact how you see yourself as well as how you are able to process what happened and move forward? Do you see yourself as powerless in the situation or is there something you (not someone else) can do to make some sort of positive change in yourself? 

Finding a solution can be confusing, and sometimes overwhelming. I feel like sometimes life experiences are like a boot camp, where the consequence of being broken down allows us to be built up to become something better and stronger. There is one who has experienced everything you are feeling now and can help you, I know because He has been a huge help for me.

President James E. Faust taught: “The injured should do what they can to work through their trials, and the Savior will ‘succor his people according to their infirmities’ [Alma 7:12]. He will help us carry our burdens. Some injuries are so hurtful and deep that they cannot be healed without help from a higher power and hope for perfect justice and restitution in the next life. Since the Savior has suffered anything and everything that we could ever feel or experience, He can help the weak to become stronger. He has personally experienced all of it. He understands our pain and will walk with us even in our darkest hours”.       – “The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope,” Ensign, Nov. 2001, 20

I initially thought this would be a shorter post but the impressions kept coming so I kept typing and made this a 2 part post. In part 2 I focus more on the bullseye people have on them when they are victims.

Thanks for reading – I hope these are helping you!