36 – The Pain We Cause Othersfeatured

We are created to be social individuals.  People were meant to live together and learn to get along as part of our Heavenly Father’s plan for happiness.  Living in families, communities and wards should be a source of our greatest and most enduring growth and happiness.  An unavoidable hazard of that reality is that in interacting with other imperfect individuals – particularly where there is an emotional investment involved – we will occasionally get hurt, emotionally, and sometimes even physically.  In today’s “developed” world, people seem offended in record numbers.  However, I would like to focus more on the kind of hurt that is experienced when someone trusts another enough that the other person’s actions sincerely cause emotional pain for them. That trust may be between a wife and husband, parent and child, friends, business associates or even fellow Church members. 

IT’S THAT AGENCY THING AGAIN

As discussed in Post 6 “Does God Want Me to Suffer”, we have agency. We are each on our own separate journey of learning about how to use that agency.  And so, because a major part of our mortal experience and its attendant learning and growth is necessarily spent interacting with others, things can get messy. We bump up against others and must learn and choose how to navigate that human interaction. We control how we act and react, but we cannot control how others do so. 

Although the interactions – the bumps and collisions – are unavoidable; the closer and more trusting the relationship, the more emotion will play a part in how we respond – and the greater the degree of impact from the interaction. Yet, while that appears to be the norm, anything is possible.

For those of us who have lost our membership in the Church, it is more than likely that our actions have hurt others – often significantly. We likely come to recognize and understand the pain we have caused ourselves, but we have also disappointed and created pain in others. At least I know this to be true in my case.

PAINED OR OFFENDED?

Determining whether someone is truly pained by our actions or simply choosing to be offended is a dangerous slope to navigate. It tempts us to become judgemental and can perpetuate a cycle of offence and pain. It can also become a trap that can confuse our repentance. Trying to make restitution with someone who is hurt can look quite different than appeasing someone who is offended. 

I have pondered over and over what more I can do to mitigate the hurt I have caused others. There are those who are very important to me, people who are significant in my life, who have experienced pain because of me. Others are offended because of what they have heard of me whether accurate or not. Being offended is a choice but being hurt by someone isn’t always a choice. This post is about the sincere pain we create for others.

I have regrettably hurt enough people through this process to see a spectrum in people’s responses. I have received everything from immediate forgiveness and understanding to threats of harm (physical and otherwise). Some of you in my situation may not care how others think or feel, but I do. I care a great deal about those I have pained, I pray for them very regularly. I have sincerely apologized for the actions that impacted them the best I could and where I could.  

WHAT IS THE RIGHT FORMULA?

Once we have sincerely apologized, what is our responsibility? That will be unique for each of us; a formula that must consider the sin, the sinner and the people who have been hurt. It might be straightforward when involving the sinner and the one who has been hurt.  But if the numbers are larger, the damage can be more complicated. Perhaps that is one of the reasons gossip and not being forgiving are, themselves, sins.  People take the pain they feel and smear it on others.

One challenge I have felt in my repentance relates to my responsibility to members of the Church. The reason I must wait 5 years for rebaptism is because I had been serving in a significant leadership role. The 5-year policy implies that my actions will have hurt either members of the Church or the reputation of the Church overall. But the policy regulations on the loss of membership also prevent me from being able to stand up in Church and formally apologize or ask for forgiveness. This is another thing I have pondered on many times.

ONWARD AND UPWARD

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that life is about moving forward and doing better today than we did yesterday. President Nelson encouraged us: “Experience the strengthening power of daily repentance – of doing and being a little better each day”. As common as that teaching is from latter-day Prophets, it can be easy for us not to want others to move forward while we are still hurting because of their actions. But that is our problem, not theirs.

Does my lack of moving forward somehow ease the pain someone else feels or does my continuing to move forward in life increase that pain for others? This will be dependent on the individual who is hurt or offended. Does the sinner sit in mortal purgatory while all who feel affected by the sinner’s actions agree on the sinner’s fate?

What I have learned is that I can only control myself. It is my hope and constant prayer that anyone that I have sincerely hurt through my actions will be able to find relief. Whether or not they ever speak to me again is their choice and I honor their agency. But I still want everyone to feel peace.

USE A TRUSTED SOUNDING BOARD

I suggest that if you are also in this situation, seek direction from the Spirit through your bishop or stake president. Listen to their words and for God’s confirming witness and guidance as you do. Dealing with others’ pain is a difficult step for me, I have no control over what others will or will not let go of. But I hate that they hurt.

I am terrified to think that others may have used me as a reason to reconsider their commitment to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but then, I have not forced anyone to make choices. God does not make people’s choices for them, and neither do I.

WHERE DOES ACCOUNTABILITY LAY?

You and I must recognize and accept that our actions have hurt others, make whatever restitution is possible, and then strive to improve. Remember that “No man can serve two masters” 3 Nephi 13:24. I have seen people lose their membership and in trying to heal others’ pain submit to demands that pull them further from the Gospel. We must decide who we will become – whether we are going to put effort toward becoming the person God would have us be or allow ourselves to be defined by who someone else wants us to be.

It is a common storyline in relationship-based movies that one inevitably hurts the other. This is followed by a period where the offending individual seeks to mend the relationship. While the apology is inevitable, the change and growth in the offender is what ultimately makes the difference. It does not mean all relationships are mended, but it is the best possible outcome.

I am moving forward with my faith that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can heal what I cannot. I know He can heal any pain that people will allow Him to heal. I will strive to become my best self and that can only happen through His Atonement. In this way, I know I can also find the strength to not repeat my past sins. 

*What are your thoughts on moving forward after sin? Does your opinion differ when you are the sinner as opposed to when you are the one watching the sinner? Please comment below – and follow me on Instagram at onesheep.blog to help me find others who have lost their membership!