44 – What Will It Be?featured

by sheeptales on April 25, 2025

Posted in Blog

WRITING A LETTER

Others had told me that once the council is done, the confirmation from Salt Lake would come within two weeks. The time crawled on by. At around the two-week mark, instead of an answer, my Stake President was given updated instructions. He was now told that letters would be needed from the involved parties.

I would need to write a letter, so I sat down and got to it. I wrote the First Presidency about my repentance experience and developing a closer relationship with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost over the previous five years. I wrote about the challenges of losing my membership and how I navigated them. I reflected on the ways I have grown and the things I have learned in that time. It was a spiritually uplifting opportunity to reflect on the many times Christ helped me through the darkness and blessed my life, and on the many people He was able to use in doing so.

One of my strongest realizations is that if we want to see Christ touching and influencing our lives, we must have people around us whom Christ can influence. Christ can most easily provide us with help, comfort and support through the people who have trained themselves to respond to His promptings; if we want answers to prayers, help, and guidance from God, we are best off having as many people as possible in our lives that He can inspire. And not all of them are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

WRITING A DIFFERENT KIND OF LETTER

Several days after writing my letter, I was sent a list from my bishop detailing what Church Headquarters wanted to see in it. I was disappointed. While my initial letter focused on the Savior and my experiences with Him, the expected content concentrated on things that did not feel as spiritual. For example, I was asked what I had done to make restitution. What was the correct answer? Over the five years, I asked my stake presidents what they wanted to see me do to make restitution, and there was no direction for them to know what to tell me. Yet here I was now being asked what I had done. There was a greater interest in my actions than in my relationship with God. I understand they have their reasons, but my relationship with God is what I cherish most from this experience.

This is the point where I realized that although I knew I had been forgiven by Jesus Christ (see post 28 – Part 1 Repentance and Forgiveness), I had not yet been forgiven by the Church. I rewrote the letter a couple of times before I had something they seemed more interested in hearing about.

I think the only part that survived from the original letter was the reasons I wanted to be rebaptized:

1) Because I love the Savior – now more than ever. I want to follow His example and formalize my covenants with Him once again.

2) I love my wife and want to be sealed to her as soon as I can.

3) I want to help others come to know the Savior the way I now know Him. In the Church is where I am most likely to find people who are looking to know Him through the knowledge we have from the restored Gospel.

4) As a parent, and in every calling I have had, I have taught that we are to live the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and when we fall short, we should repent. I want to show those same people that I am willing to repent and stick with Christ, even when the consequences are the most humiliating I know of.

Two others were also invited to write letters, and once the 30 days for those to be done passed, the Stake president sent in what he had, along with whatever else he and the bishop were asked to include.

CALLED IN TO THE OFFICE

Less than two weeks later, I got a call from my stake president asking if I could come in that evening. His voice sounded flat – even a little disappointed.

I got into a suit and went early.

Walking in that night was much easier than the council referred to in the last post. My life had already been reviewed and commented on; this was about moving forward, not wallowing in the past. I know who I am, and I know that God knows me, loves me, and will help me through anything that comes at me – if I lean into Him.

I can unequivocally state that as I sat before my president waiting to hear the decision, I was completely comfortable with either decision. If it were yes, then I would move forward with making more formalized covenants with Heavenly Father. If it were no, I would continue to pray, ponder, study the Gospel and attend Church without the covenants. I knew God would have my back no matter what I needed to go through. And I am determined to continue helping others experiencing the meat grinder of excommunication, no matter what the decision is.

THE VERDICT

I was right; there was a disappointment in the president’s tone. He expressed his disappointment that he was unable to get me the Priesthood and temple blessings. I love and appreciate him. He tried hard to get me back into the temple and the full blessings restored right away, but the policy of the Church is that everyone must wait at least one more year after baptism to get those blessings. I had been aware of that policy since being first called as a bishop and having the great privilege of helping a man in my ward submit a second request for his restoration of blessings. The second time was the charm for him.

After hearing of my president’s disappointment, he told me the decision of the First Presidency – I had been granted permission to be baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I suspect it is because I was fully prepared to have the decision go either way, but I received the verdict with no emotion attached. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy with the decision, but it is my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that matters the most to me, and I knew I would have that either way. The formalizing of my commitment to Them would happen whenever the Church leadership felt it was appropriate, and I was willing to wait however long it took for them. I had found my niche with God as an excommunicated member.

I also felt comforted knowing that even if the Church were to never allow my rebaptism, the doctrine of the Gospel of Jesus Christ would allow the work, including the sealing to my wife, to be done for me when I arrived on the other side of the veil, and it would be valid there if I stayed faithful here.

MORE INTROSPECTION

The feeling was surreal. Five years has been a long time. Right about the time of my approval, our ward cancelled Sunday meetings for one week because of the weather. A few days after that, I was speaking with a man in my Ward who mentioned that he felt it had been a more difficult week due to not being able to partake of the sacrament. It highlighted for me that I had been able to find a way to make it without the sacrament for five years. And I did it without losing my testimony or commitment – or becoming bitter against God, the Church or its leaders.

I made it without the temple, the garment, or any of the outward practices that the Church grants members “in good standing”. The first time a bishop invited me into his office during the entire excommunication was at the almost 5-year mark, to fill out the details of the application for rebaptism. I don’t blame any of those bishops for the oversight, there is no clear training for them on this.

If you are going through this process and a Church leader does call you in, it is because they care about you and are striving to know what God would have them do to help you, not because a manual or a policy is telling them when or how to reach out. And likely it is because the Lord is telling them to. So, I encourage you to accept their invitation and see what promptings from the Spirit you can receive in the experience. My stake president both loved me and was guided by the Spirit, I knew his efforts were sincere. Still, it felt like more of an effort from him personally than the Church itself.

IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY

I have learned to have a close relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ without the Church. I relied on personal revelation and interaction with individuals who listened to promptings. Some were members of the Church, and some were not. But now I had to figure out how to fit the Church back into my relationships for more than Sunday attendance.

In October of 2018, President Nelson and Elder Cook announced the reduction of Church meetings on Sundays from three hours to two. The intent was to place more of the responsibility for Gospel growth on us. Our learning was to become more “home-centered and Church-supported” (1). Surviving Church discipline felt very home-centered for me.

In addition to prayer, journaling, healthy relationships, and pondering, I used the Come Follow Me(2) study schedule, the Book of Mormon(3) and the other scriptures. I incorporated Church related podcasts. Some were of a doctrinal nature, and others were more focused on others’ stories of living the gospel.

In all these components, I learned how to let the Spirit teach me. Whether praying, reading, or listening to podcasts and music. Letting the Spirit take my thoughts rather than focusing on the specific words allowed Him to teach me on a very personal level. Those steps supported my repentance and growth. Ultimately, everyone must be responsible for building their relationships with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.

BRINGING THE CHURCH BACK INTO IT

If we think we are going to die and find out we joined the right Church on Earth because we wake up on the other side to find a celestial Youth Activity night on Tuesday, and Super Saturday scheduled next month, then I think we are going to be surprised. Those ways of doing ‘Church” only exist for a very short period on Earth, and not at all in the Celestial Kingdom.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not the end goal for us. Nailing your Church calling does not guarantee anything on the other side of the veil. The Church is here to meet us in our fallen state, offer relief, and point us in the direction we must go to develop Celestial character. It cannot do the work for us, and simply falling into a routine, including weekly partaking of the Sacrament and monthly Temple attendance, is not enough to become who we need to become. While church and temple attendance are good and play an important part in our development, the development of Celestial capabilities is far more personal; it requires more than weekly and monthly habits.

I am in no way stating that I have reached that Celestial goal; I have so much growth yet to accomplish. I am sharing with you, as a sister or brother who is working on repentance, my understanding that personal relationships with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can happen both in and out of the Church, and they are our responsibility. To reach our full potential, we will need the Priesthood ordinances only found through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Additionally, participation in the Church will help us develop the discipline required to reach Celestial capabilities. See Post 5 – The Big Yellow School Bus

I am thankful the First Presidency has forgiven me, permitted me to be baptized, and once again partake of the sacrament. One big step closer to re-entering the temple.