19 – Forgive AND Forget?featured

You want Jesus to forgive you, how about if He is willing to also forget your thing even happened? Would you like in on some of that action too? 

Jesus said: “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”   – D&C 58:42

The apostle Paul taught: “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”  Hebrews 8:12

AWESOME PROMISE!

That is the offer Jesus has put on the table for all of us, and it is still on the table for you and me. As we complete the repentance process, Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father promise to not remember we ever broke a rule. It is done, it’s gone, and you are clean. It is almost unbelievable.

But wait a minute… Is “remember them no more” the same as completely forgetting them? Can God, an omniscient and all-knowing being, forget? As much as at this moment I want things to be forgotten and never remembered, is there something more valuable in not completely losing this experience?

Our lives are full of experiences, and they add depth and understanding to our character. I personally enjoy listening to good storytellers share their past experiences. Biographies are great, and autobiographies are even better. I have just started reading a book my cousin wrote in a first-person narrative on the experiences of my paternal grandmother. She has a bit of a feisty reputation, and I am curious to read more about the life she lived and the things she learned. 

GRANDMAS SECRETS

I suspect there will be a few stories that Grandma may want to be buried and never spoken of again. I know those are the ones my cousin will have worked the hardest to uncover. Those will be the gold nuggets that are most treasured. Not because there is a desire to condemn Grandma, but because those help us understand her challenges and her successes. Those are part of what inspires us to keep trying. Because our own flesh and blood could maneuver life’s messy parts, so can we!

It’s all well and good now to look back and learn. But in the pressure cooker of living life and overcoming sin, we want sins and shortcomings buried and forgotten.

THE 2 BIG CHALLENGES

First, let’s look at some of the challenges you and I have in front of us:

1. It is so hard to forget that we did it. And it hurts!
2. Others may not want to forget – and they may not want to let us forget either.

When it comes to forgetting your own sins, I propose two things to help. First, you need to forgive and forget others’ wrongs. Do you remember my first advice in Blog 7? I suggested you forgive everyone for everything ASAP. With that, try to forget as well as forgive.

Forgetting can be hard, especially when we have labelled someone for something they did wrong rather than something they did right. Try re-labelling that individual. Find something you can respect or admire about them. Maybe they are a loving parent or a good provider.  Maybe they are charismatic and engaging. Maybe they have great people skills. They will have more admirable skills than that one thing you have been labelling them for.

It will not be easy for you to forget your least desirable moment in life if it is your nature to look for those moments in others.

I recall conducting the funeral service for an elderly woman who had problems with her memory in her later years. Fortunately, she had several successful sons who ensured she was well cared for through those “cast-iron” years. At the funeral, each son got up and spoke about the wonderful traits their mom had. As I reflected on those talks later, I thought of those men as teenagers. There is no doubt in my mind that they would have found faults in her actions. Being the very bright minds they are, I suspect they would have observed every flaw they could and exploited those flaws to their advantage. Yet as time goes by, I doubt that any one of them put one second of time into remembering her faults. I suspect that if they tried, they would not be able to remember a fraction of what consumed them then. They likely would now recognize their role in faults such as “mom losing her temper” and be able to take some of the responsibility. When we focus on the positive, the negative becomes more irrelevant – and thus easier to forget.

My second bit of advice on this point is to realize reality. You may never fully forget you sinned, but you can file it in your memory under “Things I am grateful I have corrected in my life”. Through the repentance process, you will take ownership of the sin with the Savior. You will make your course correction, and you will realize Jesus Christ has paid the bill. You have changed and grown. You once could be labelled as a “_________-er”, but that is not you anymore. 

One evening I was working in my shop, I made a mistake, and I instantly cut over half an inch off the end of my thumb. It happened so fast. I remember wishing I could back up just 30 seconds and do things differently. Not a chance. I was running on adrenaline when I went into the house to ask for help. My son ran out fast and first, and then he thought I was pranking everyone. My daughter offered a prayer to help in the search for the missing section and all she could think in the prayer was “Heavenly Father, thumb, thumb, thumb.” We did find it right after her silent prayer, but it did not make it back onto my hand. Every day I look at that hand and remember that night.

There were moments in that event and the recovery when I felt a lot of pain. There was embarrassment and regret. Years earlier, when my father turned 75, we bought him a trophy commemorating 75 years without losing a finger. He likes to point out that I do not qualify for that accomplishment.

Today, many years later, the pain has long since gone. I have come to terms with the embarrassment and regret, and I now have my own experience that has helped me build the resilience I have today. I don’t know how much more resilience I have yet to build – but I know my Grandma could do some hard things, and so can I.

WHY ARE THEY THAT WAY?

One of the challenges you may have is others who won’t let go of the incident. In Blog 6 we talked about how others have their own agency to do what they will. It is not God punishing us, it is others using their agency how they choose. You and I cannot change that. You and I can only control our own choices and how we cope with others’ choices.

It may help you to consider the reason they are holding onto things. Maybe they are still hurting because of how we used our agency. We may have broken their trust in us. If that is the case, perhaps making restitution with them will help. If they accept our offering. That is something we each must prayerfully consider. This may actually be a part of our repentance process and making that restitution will help your own ability to let go. I suggest that if you are not sure then you should look to your Spiritual Personal Trainer (Blog 17) for council. 

Maybe they are holding onto the memory because they want you and me to suffer. Some things you can only ask forgiveness for and when that does not seem to appease them there is not much else you can do. I had one individual tell me they forgave me, but they would never forget. That saddened me, but did not hold my relationship with Heavenly Father back  from further growth. Choosing to hang onto the memory of others sins does not feel like fully forgiving, and it can foster enmity moving forward. 

Maybe the story is just too juicy, and hard to forget. Maybe it is someone who has their own struggles, and they feel a little better about themselves if they can share other people’s sins. Just be careful to not get too judgemental of those who insist on keeping your story alive. If you get yourself into judging them, you will just give yourself more to repent of. You will also be fostering feelings you really will be better off letting go.

And maybe what happened is just too recent – they simply need some time.

BEEN THERE DONE THAT – WITH THE SCARS TO PROVE IT

I am not sure how it works with the Savior’s promise to remember our sins no more.  I don’t know if it’s really that He forgets what we did. Maybe there is some kind of celestial hard drive that can be erased like that.   It is more likely that He chooses not to allow those things to taint or influence His love for us in any way.  It’s about what he focuses on when He looks at us.  What He chooses to see is based on infinite love and compassion.  He will not choose to look at us through our mistakes and sins.  Only through the love and understanding of our divine nature and potential and the appreciation of what we have learned and overcome. Everything else fades into the background, just as does a challenging section travelled on a trail when viewed from the final destination. I really can’t be sure, but the further I go through life the less I am going to worry about it.

I am not proud of my sins and past mistakes, but I am so very thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am amazed that somehow He takes our sins on Himself so we don’t have to pay full price. It is a most amazing gift to have our sins forgiven. 

If I forget my sin, I will forget the cure found through the Atonement. How do I grow more appreciation and love for Jesus Christ if I wipe away the memory of what He did for me? How do I develop resilience in my own character if I don’t remember and appreciate what I have overcome? There is courage for me in the stories of my Grandmother overcoming and forging on. I hope that one day my posterity will find the courage to keep on trying in life because I overcame my ugly and embarrassing choices through Jesus Christ.

If I forget how Atonement healed me, I may be tempted to forget that the Atonement can also heal others. If the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for me, it is for everyone. 

REPENTING IS ALSO HEALING

The pain of cutting off my thumb is long gone. I am now left with some dear memories, some added resilience and a fun party trick where I pull off the end of my thumb. I think of Alma referring to his experience as “Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.”   Alma 36:21

As a bishop, I was always so happy for people who were able to shed the pain and shame of sin through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and feel a greater appreciation and love for Him and themselves. 

I feel that even deeper now.

PS. I must acknowledge my wise and wonderful wife for her help with all these posts, but especially this one. It was going in a bit of a different direction until she helped me to look at things from a different angle. Certainly, she has dealt with her past experiences in a way that has helped her grow and develop resilience and compassion. I hope one day she has a granddaughter write a book about her, so her trials and strengths are better understood!