13 – Testimonies are Puzzlingfeatured

Membership – gone.

Several “friends” – gone.

But what about your commitment? 

What about your testimony? Do you still have one? If not, what will you do about it? Could it be you have lost hope in some areas but still have a few feelings deep inside that are hard to let go of? Is that a testimony?

HAVE YOU GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT? I DOUBT IT

I can remember, as a child, thinking that every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints had it all figured out. When I was out in public with my parents and we saw another member, I felt like they and I knew things that very few others knew. I felt a connection with that person because we both had information that would give us comfort and strength every day until we stood before God to be welcomed home as a “good and faithful servant”.

As a teenager, I began noticing that not everyone who walked into the chapel was as locked into the Gospel of Jesus Christ as my parents were. I saw that not everyone showed up for church every Sunday. I learned that strong spiritual feelings that are felt one day can be questioned the next. I saw that a person’s testimony can be what drives every decision they make at some point in time and can then fade away.

HOW MUCH ARE YOU WILLING TO THROW OUT BECAUSE OF ________?

Why? What did it mean if someone who seemed to have such a strong testimony could lose that conviction and walk away? Was the Church not true? Did that individual in my small town figure out something that millions of people over almost 200 years were too blind to see? 

Repeatedly I have seen people with many years of activity in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints discover something new to them that shakes all of their previous understanding to the core and then shakes them right out of Church activity. Sometimes it is going through something staggering, like Church discipline, that makes it feel easier to walk away than to deal with the humbling path back into full fellowship.

MY TESTIMONY PUZZLE

Somewhere along my Church experience, I began looking at my testimony as a big puzzle with countless pieces. Some pieces are easy to place while others make you feel like it might be better to flip the whole thing over and work on shapes without all the colors for a while. This past Christmas I worked on a lenticular puzzle with my father-in-law. Although relatively small, it took months to complete because the image was always shifting depending on lighting and positioning. Pieces you put together with certainty became obviously out of place once the light or position changed. On several occasions, we had to pull whole sections back out because we discovered that one piece or two pieces did not actually belong and needed to be re-positioned elsewhere.  Puzzles are puzzling. So too can be the process of acquiring and holding onto a testimony. 

Our family visited the Sacred Grove in Palmyra New York when I was a boy. I can recall the Hill Cumorah, the Smith farmstead and the Sacred Grove itself. I remember buying a small copy of the book Truth Restored by Gordon B Hinckley. What I remember most is that somehow, on that day, I learned that the First Vision happened. I did not see Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ, nor did I hear any voice. Despite having no physical assurances, somehow I knew Joseph Smith experienced what he said he experienced. 

Years later I attended General Conference with my friend’s priest quorum. We arrived at the old tabernacle three hours early to ensure we got seats. Each time the ushers came by we sucked in all the air we could to appear as large as we could so they could not pack us in tighter. A group of young women was in the row in front of us and we passed the time flirting with them. Then at one very memorable part, something changed for me. I felt it – and I felt it deeply. Everyone stood, so I did too, then I saw President Spencer W Kimball being helped in by two men. He was old. He was slow. It would turn out to be the last session of a General Conference that he would ever attend. Everyone burst into singing “We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet”. I did not see any glowing aura around him, and there was no voice in my head, but the Holy Ghost taught me, through feelings I don’t know how to explain, that Spencer W Kimball was a prophet of God. I simply knew it.

DON’T FIGHT THE GIFTS OR IT GETS MORE CONFUSING

Those two experiences became the first two pieces in my testimony puzzle that became locked in. I have never let myself forget what the Spirit personally taught me. I believe that, if I were to deny they happened, I would be fighting against something that is now deep inside of me. I suspect it would only result in me being unsettled, anxious and frustrated.

While I was a teenager, I quickly built my testimony puzzle. I believed what was shared by others whom I trusted and would add their pieces based on their stories and advice – because it was easy. There was comfort in figuring out the purpose of life. My puzzle was coming together, and this overly energetic kid from a small town was sure he understood how the world worked – and why.

IT’S OK THAT OTHERS DO NOT UNDERSTAND – THAT PIECE WAS GIVEN TO YOU NOT THEM

The time came when I decided to accept the call to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was working for a man who was a member of the Baptist faith. Once my call came to serve in the deep South of the United States, he let me have it. “There are Southern Baptists down there and they hate “Mormons” – they are going to kill you”. He said that enough times that I finally replied with “Glen, I couldn’t be happier than if I was killed in the Service of my God”. The next day he followed up with, “They are going to catch you in a back alley and break your knees with a bat, you will spend six months in a hospital and when you get out they will do it to you again”. I thought, “Dang Glen, who are those Southern Baptists???”

I will always appreciate how Glen challenged me to question my faith and my testimony. Glen once asked me if I had ever attended a Baptist service. When I talked about it with my dad, he suggested I should. I discovered that my dad was not afraid of me learning what others believed – he encouraged it. This experience forced me to look hard at the testimony I had assembled to that point and decide if it was true. It made me examine my puzzle to determine if each piece was known, believed or simply just hoped to be true.

I started pulling those pieces out and re-evaluating why they were even in there. Where did each piece come from? How many pieces are there because of Mom and Dad, or seminary teachers, or friends? I have gone through this process in a major way twice in my life – once before my mission and once after. I took almost every piece out to examine its origin, backing evidence, and how it fits with pieces the Spirit had already personally confirmed to me.

LOCK THE SPECIAL ONES IN AS YOU GET THEM

There were two pieces I picked up and looked at, but never took out. I knew Joseph had experienced the First Vision and President Kimball was a prophet. With those locked in I would start fitting the others. Joseph’s vision meant the gold plates and Book of Mormon belonged in there. And I figured the prophets between Joseph and President Kimball likely fit – but I vetted those as well. Thoughtfully and prayerfully, I rebuilt my testimony using pieces I had acquired from many sources and through confirmation by the Holy Ghost.

Two big overhauls have been sufficient for me. The process of puzzle building for me is now a piece-by-piece experience. I don’t take it all apart anymore, I simply review individual pieces and see if there is any work to be done on them. I have had to throw some away and look for their replacements. For example, as a teen in the 80’s, my initial understanding and processing of the place a gay person had in the Kingdom was short-sighted and biased. I had used a puzzle piece based on the attitudes of people who had no direct interaction with a person who had come out as gay. The prevalent view at the time was that they were certainly destined for the Telestial Kingdom and that was it. Obviously, that was a very unenlightened point of view. As I have matured, so has my perspective and understanding of the subject.   I have learned my previous ideas were wrong. I have tried to fit in a few other pieces to see how exactly the LGBTQ image fits in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but so far I don’t fully understand what that piece looks like. I don’t know that anyone does fully yet, but that does not make me want to throw out the whole puzzle. I know that what fits in that puzzle space for me, is the commandment to love everyone as Jesus does. I know He loves and has a place for all of us.

HERE’S A HINT FOR YOU

I simply don’t have all the pieces yet – nor do I know how they all fit. But I know enough to see that God is there in the journey, and that keeps me going. 

I can give you a hint! The common way to assemble a puzzle is to do all the edges first and then fill in the middle. That does not work on a testimony puzzle. This puzzle will have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost in the center. No matter the pieces you are starting with, connect them inwards to the Savior Jesus Christ and then build back out from there. He will connect you to Heavenly Father and help you learn to identify the Holy Ghost. If you start with the edges, you create a boundary that does not exist. If you can find the center and work out, you will find there are no limits to understanding. Everyone’s puzzle will get put together a little differently, but you know you will have it right if all the pieces properly connect to Jesus Christ.

YOU CAN UPGRADE THE PIECES!

I have replaced several pieces with higher-resolution images as time goes along. My understanding of Jesus Christ and His role as Savior and Redeemer of the world is much more impressive now that when I was 19 and first reviewing my puzzle. My understanding of Jesus Christ and His role as Savior and Redeemer of my world is much more impressive now than it was 3 years ago when I lost my membership. I have a much more defined understanding of many aspects of the Gospel thanks to experience, study and prayer. As you go through this gift of the repentance process you will find your understanding of the Savior Jesus Christ, His Atonement and the gifts that follow make a much more colorful and vivid puzzle piece than the one you had in there before. So don’t hesitate to pull pieces out, turn them around, place them elsewhere if needed, and look for one that fits better in the new light in which you are looking at things.

“Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Matt 5:4.

The footnotes to this scripture teach us that to be perfect is to be “complete”.  With this view in mind, my responsibility is to work on “completing” my testimony puzzle as best I can with the highest definition pieces I have gathered thus far.  As I do, I am to align my will and behavior with my identity as a son of the living God. 

AND NOW ITS TIME TO ASSEMBLE YOUR PUZZLE

Do you have any puzzle pieces the Spirit gave to you in the past? I am talking about moments you have had where you just “knew” God was real, you mattered, or an aspect of the Gospel or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was true. These moments might have happened at EFY, while serving a mission, while praying or reading your scriptures, while sitting in the temple, while out in nature etc. They can come to you at any time, at any age and in any circumstance.

I invite you to ponder what pieces you may already have and see what other pieces you can find through pondering, study and prayer.  And I encourage you to assemble all your individual testimonies into a more clear picture of what is truly real – with Christ at the Center!

That lenticular puzzle was not for those who give up easily. I was impressed that my father-in-law stuck with it for as long as it took. With its completion came great satisfaction because of the high degree of work and effort it demanded. The same applies to a testimony. I have been working on mine for decades. Some pieces and sections have been particularly challenging. I refuse to throw out my testimony just because I am missing some pieces or because I have to pull a few back out and reorganize them. Losing my membership has provided an opportunity to look at my puzzle from a different perspective.  I have gone back to the center – back to the Saviour. Through this experience, I have been able to see certain sections in a new light. It has allowed me to come to a more clear picture of what the Gospel is all about. I can now use that view to better understand and serve others as He would.  Recognizing the pieces that have come to me from Heavenly Father through the Spirit has drawn me closer to Him. 

The puzzle perspective has added to my understanding and peace.