11 – Building your Support Networkfeatured

“Every (new member of the Church) needs three things: a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with the good word of God”. That was the direction in President Gordon B Hinkley’s General Conference talk “Converts and Young Men” from April 1997 

I propose that any former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints needs the same three things in order to survive the discipline experience. We can talk about nurturing with the good word of God (see post 34 – “Portals to the Spiritual“) and responsibilities (see post 32- “Reaching Up and Reaching Out“) another time, but today I want to address the need you most likely have for a good friend or two.

Have you got anyone? A supportive spouse? Someone you once served alongside in a calling? A lifelong friend? A ministering sister or brother?

It was important for me to build a support network that matched my needs for sanity and peace of mind. Around the time I lost my membership, my marriage crumbled, I had to move to a new place, and I had some challenges from the actions of others, all of which were weighing heavily on me. I’m not looking for sympathy, I am just pointing out that I needed support.

As I reflect on how my network came together, I realize that it was a combined effort between The Lord and myself.  

Telling someone you lost your membership is not easy. I have a friend who went through disfellowshipping and was warned “You will find out who your friends are” – ain’t that the truth. There are times I feel it is more accurate to say you will find out who the Lord’s friends are.

THE REQUIREMENTS I SET

I decided to focus on a two or three guys to use as a sounding board. I felt it was important to have a few different people to talk to so I didn’t feel like I was overburdening anyone. I had some criteria for my selection:

1. I had to trust that they could keep things confidential. I decided I would not make my side of the story public. People would simply have to decide if they believed what others were saying without my attempts add to the rumours. People have a tendency to want to hear the juicy stuff – but I did not want to be part of spreading it so they were not going to hear anything from me.
2. I had to know they would treat everyone in my world the same if they heard anything that was hard to digest. I needed to know that they would not be judgemental in a way that would hurt them or anyone else. I was not looking to run anyone else down, but I knew I would have to talk through some of my feelings and frustrations.
3. They had to have strong testimonies. They needed to be friends who would not try to talk me out of seeing my process through to rebaptism. It was also important to me that they were solid enough in their testimonies to not go inactive if they heard things that seemed to not make sense.

LET THE LORD DO HIS THING – HE WILL HELP YOU

I thought three would be enough, but the Lord seemed to think I needed more. As I was in a business setting with another man one day, I just fell apart, and he shifted into ministering mode. He was not from my ward – or even my stake (if anything really feels like your ward or stake at that point), but he responded in a very Christlike way. He proved to be an incredible support for me.

One Sunday afternoon I received a phone call from a friend I had not seen in years. He had no idea of what I was going through, he simply started the conversation with “How come I can’t get you out of my head – what is going on with you?”. I had to decide whether to bring him into the loop or brush it off with a surface-level conversation. I decided that, if Heavenly Father was going to send this guy my way, I had better accept the help. And he did fit my criteria listed above. What a great blessing that was!

So now I had my network – five solid men with varying natures and valuable insights. I knew I had the right guys as I realized that none of them were asking me for details about what happened. To this day I still do not think that any one of them knows my whole story, nor do I think they want to. They are in it for me, not for the gossip.

On more than one occasion I heard of others approaching one of my five to ask for my story. The conversation would go something like this:

“So what happened”

“I don’t know”

“Well, aren’t you friends?”

“Yeah”

“How often do you two talk”

“All the time”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

“Because it’s none of my business, and he will tell me if he wants to”

Now THAT’S a friend!

RELY ON YOUR NETWORK

I spoke regularly with some in my network, while others were more infrequent. Sometimes a call would come as I crossed their mind. Occasionally, it was simply because it was Sunday night. One of them was an early riser, and for over a year straight he called me almost every weekday morning. We would talk about my work, his work, his truck, or family matters. This set up an opportunity for me to talk about anything I might need help working through at the time. I am still in awe of his down-to-earth compassion.

Once you start building your support network, I would encourage you to strive to speak of others with respect – no matter what your feelings may be. It matters, and you will be better off for it. Try to understand where others’ actions are coming from. Maybe they are hurt because of your actions, and that may be valid. Maybe your actions are none of their business, but they are still making life more difficult for you. Remember that they have agency, and although they may be making your life harder with that agency, you can turn to your network for help – or to God. 

I suggest you also discuss the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with respect. The title declares it is the Savior’s church, but it also has Latter-day Saints in it. Both the Savior and the Saints have an affect on the behavior of the Church! It is not a perfect organization – because we mortals have such an influence in all aspects of it. But, it is the Lord’s Church – and if you have His back, he will help bring understanding and peace to you. He will bless you for it.

EFFECTIVELY USING YOUR NETWORK 

At one point I found myself choosing which member of my network to talk with based on what emotion I needed to manage within myself. Sometimes I needed to get my frustration out, and I knew whom I could talk with that would get upset on my behalf. I would hear them get upset and then I did not have to. I had one who was in a Church leadership calling, and I knew that, from him, I would get a very calming reassurance to not let something get under my skin. Some were my go-to when I needed to laugh. All of them proved to be trustworthy sounding boards to help me not lose sight of what was real and important.

I could not imagine how much more difficult my process would be if the only friend I had was from work, and whose solution would be to go have a few drinks at the bar to numb the feelings. There have been a few, both in and outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who have encouraged me to take advantage of not “having to” live the Gospel standards. The last thing I wanted to do was add complications to maintaining my relationship with Jesus Christ.

As time passed and I had built up some resilience I found myself becoming myself again. And then I found another level of support. These friends were not the ones I relied on to the same extent, but their Christlike behavior has helped me immensely.

STEAK? YES PLEASE!

A good man from one of my wards reached out one day and suggested we go for tacos. That led to the next dinner at my place – steak! After several steak dinners with good discussions on the Gospel of Jesus Christ and enjoyable evenings as we ate and played Cribbage, we decided to invite others. Every month or two we had dinner at my place. He would bring the steak and a couple of different mutual friends, and I would provide the table and usually the rest of the food. Those dinners always lead to Spirit-filled discussions, growth and bonding. I laughed one night when one of the invited men said “Wait, am I the project here?”! I don’t know or care if I was “the project”, I thoroughly enjoyed and benefitted from the experiences – and I believe they did too. In my opinion, steak dinners are an awesome way to minister!

Another connection came completely out of the left field. It was someone who was also going through a disfellowship and had heard rumours of me. They were from outside my friend circle and age group but they reached out to offer support and encouragement. They had no idea if I was sticking with the Church or not but offered friendship and shared their intent to see things through on their journey back to church activity.

That became an unexpected friendship that benefitted both of us as we supported each other through some of the ups and downs. I was so happy for them when they were accepted back to full fellowship. That friendship helped further inspire me to do something to help others. This blog is a part of that effort.

AN IMPORTANT CONNECTION

As I was slogging through the heaviest of it all, I began to recognize the growth in my most important friendship of all. I realized that, in these friendships, what I was most benefitting from was the Christlike attributes these friends were demonstrating. I was no longer just reading about Christ’s nature in the scriptures, I was feeling His nature in my heart and mind.

I was coming to know Jesus Christ much better, and that relationship helped be grow even more in my relationship with our Heavenly Father!

Here are just some of the things I learned or felt firsthand as He blessed me through others: 

• The reality that He lives!

• His love for me (and you) is unconditional.

• His pure love and concern for my well-being. 

• His ability to serve me through others.

• His love for me at my level and through my nature and personality.

• His attentiveness. He has always been there when I absolutely needed Him. Whether He was inspiring others to call me, or I was feeling a need and reaching out for His help through my network, I would find what I needed.

• His understanding of what I do and don’t need.

• His happiness for me when I am happy and His aching alongside me when I ache.

The most important thing I want anyone going through this to know is that Heavenly Father is there and aware of you. He wants to bless you, and He will bless and help you through the great gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Realize that a large number of the personal blessings He has for you will be given through mortals on earth.

If you open yourself to people who are striving to live Christlike lives, you open yourself to support and blessings from Heavenly Father Himself. Support that He will personalize to your needs. As you learn to see those Christlike attributes, you will see your friendship with Him grow stronger than ever. 

Every individual going through Church discipline needs a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with the good word of God. I have found the most useful friends are those who strive to follow Christ. The most valuable friend is Jesus Christ Himself.

*Does this analogy help? Please comment below – and follow me on Instagram at onesheep.blog to help me find others who have lost their membership!