Real Stories – Mike Pfeatured

What is your name? (pseudonyms are acceptable)*

Mike P

1. How old were you when you lost your membership?*

23

2. How long were you out of the Church, and how long have you been back?*

13-15 years away from the Church.

3. What were your feelings in the days after losing your membership?

relief, sad, angry, embarrassed, full of shame, lighter.

4. How did losing your membership affect your relationships with your family and friends?

When I lost my membership, it was a private event. Although I attended Church regularly, I sat at the back during meetings and didn’t participate much. I was also a long way from my “home ward” where I grew up. None of my family friends or Church friends from my home ward had any idea it had happened. When I returned home, I continued to attend and sit at the back, “Like a Whore in Church”.

5. What was your relationship with Church leadership like during the time your membership was withdrawn?

My relationship with my Bishop was fine, probably better than that. It was good. I was shy and he wasn’t sure how to help or support me. He was kind to me, but since this was done at a Stake level, he didn’t have to be the bearer of bad news. The Stake President and High Council were all men I didn’t know at all. In my time in that City, I never got to know any of them. When I returned to my home ward and Stake, I found the leadership to be supportive in many ways, but of course, I was flying under the radar.

6. As you went through this, what was your relationship with the Godhead like?

My relationship with God was poor, perhaps non-existent. To be honest, I never felt very connected to God. I had a lot of anger toward God and didn’t even know it. To me, my problems were immense and it didn’t feel like there was any way to overcome them and fall into line with the Church code of conduct. It didn’t feel like God would accept me or help me. My prayers were a plea to take away my problems. I think it’s important to understand that I’m a man who is sexually attracted to other men, and I had been living a promiscuous life. I didn’t like it and I loved it. The whole thing was confusing to me. For a long time my prayers were “Please God, change me and take this all away”. It never happened and perhaps it all got worse, especially since losing my membership felt like it gave me a ticket to continue to “act out”. Every time I acted out with another man, I could feel something inside me telling me that this wasn’t right. It wasn’t a feeling of condemnation, just a simple feeling that this wasn’t right, even when the relationship had elements of friendship and love. At this point in my life, these conversations were no where.

7. What were some of the hardest things for you as you went through a loss of membership in the Church?

One of the hardest elements of losing my membership in the Church was just being at Church, something I never stopped doing. I was given instruction not to participate – so I didn’t, but I was in attendance. I didn’t care that I didn’t pray or give talks or have a calling, but I also didn’t engage in any of the discussion in any classes. My ideas, whether positive or negative, were never a part of class discussion.

8. What experiences do you appreciate and maybe even treasure from your experience?

My distance from the Church allowed me to focus on me. I was able to have some therapy, participate in other groups and really work on my own challenges that I was facing. In spite of my loss of membership, I still had moments of time where I could feel the spirit. Over time, I also met other men who shared my same challenges. There was a real bond knowing I was not alone.

9. What went into your decision to get re-baptized?

My desire to get re-baptized was at first tepid, but grew over time and was strong enough for me to pursue. The final push was when I was married to a woman and we were going to have a child. It was those elements that made me realize that I needed my membership to become that man I was designed to become, a husband and father. These were roles I never expected I could ever fill.

10. What callings have you had since being re-baptized?

Since that time, I’ve had callings in the nursery, primary, music, Elder’s Quorum and High Council.

11. How long after getting rebaptized were your priesthood and/or temple blessings restored?

I had never been through the temple, so I went through the temple at about a year after my baptism.

12. What do you think is misunderstood by others about this process of losing your membership?

I appreciated the message of my Stake President who told me that “The size of the wound or seriousness of the illness will determine the size of the bandage or the scope of the treatment for recovery”. It was clear I needed significant treatment and needed a bandage/treatment/cast that included losing my membership. While this didn’t soften the blow very much, it helped me. He was right! While losing a membership looks like and feels like punishment, that’s not what it is intended to be. Losing a membership is like hitting a pause button. It’s like sick leave from work. In some ways it looks like you’re spending time in the penalty box and you want to argue with the referee about how unfair the whole thing is. In reality, I don’t think I would have been a grateful, humble member of the Church in the state I was in. I think it’s a tough job for the Church referees (Bishops and Stake Presidents) to get all the calls right. In truth, it’s probably more like a pre-school teacher that knows this particular child needs a time-out, some quiet time, a blanket, a nap in the corner and some time to get over the tantrum away from the rest of the group.

13. What advice do you have for people who are going through a loss of membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

I have learned that every expectation that I have in life can easily become a premeditated resentment. Resentments like: That shouldn’t have happened, he shouldn’t have said that, It was too harsh, that person has done a lot worse, They were thinking…, what I did wasn’t that bad, are all great examples of where I got trapped. my advice is not to throw the baby out with the bath water – don’t give up on the Church. Further to that, look after your own side of the street. There might be all kinds of bad stuff going on elsewhere that people should look after, but I can only control what is going on with me. Often, I can’t even control what I do! In spite of many claims, the Church is imperfect. The leaders are imperfect. With that being said, I still believe the Church is true and there is no other organization that can do as much good for us as individuals when we are a part of it. It’s worth keeping close and working toward getting back into the fold.

14. What advice do you have for people wanting to minister to or help someone who has lost their Church membership?

Love them, listen to them, encourage them and be sensitive to their needs. We can still love, listen and encourage those who have lost their Church membership without enabling or condoning bad behaviour. Life can be messy and getting out of holes or ditches can be hard work, whether we’re pushing, pulling or driving.

15. Please share anything else you would like to about your experience. 

From the outside, many people might think that my issues had to do with “being gay” and the Church’s reluctance to embrace my homosexuality. There is no question the LGBTQ issue is a huge, hot button topic and worthy of discussion. In reality for me, my issues were addictive in nature. I was a sex addict and my drug of choice just happened to be with other men. My life was painful and I used my drug to medicate many awful feelings, feeling of inadequacy, loneliness, shame, not fitting in, desperation… and the list goes on. Ultimately, I had many serious personal defects that I needed to face, address and make right. Whether or not my actions were with men or with women, they crossed the definition of living a life of chastity. I needed to address my sins in that area of my life. In reality, I’m still sexually attracted to men, but I’m also attracted to men in a more healthy wholesome way. I’m also sexually attracted to my wife and I love her. My marriage with her feels right, divine and fulfilling, and I enjoy raising our family with her. My life is not easy, but I feel like I’m living an authentic life, the man I was meant to be. I’m also grateful for my membership in the Church!

* Thank you so much for sharing your story Mike P! I really appreciate the in-depth, raw answers. So many emotions are connected to these experiences.

** If you are reading this and have also accomplished this heroic task of returning to be re-baptized after having your membership taken away, we would love to hear your story! I have heard from several that it is simply too uncomfortable to go back and remember the experience. I can respect that, but if you are able to do it, those of us still out can find hope in your journey!

***Please click on this link to find the questionnaire: https://forms.gle/5hKAxjJ5Lkhj1w5U7