43 – Will This One End the Excommunication?featured

It feels as though I have lived a lifetime of experiences since that pivotal night five years ago. Since having a stake president withdraw my membership, I have been through a divorce, moved to another province, remarried, and have encountered the full spectrum of positive and negative experiences with significant people in my life – all of whom I still love. I have lost some friendships, discovered just how impressively deep other friendships are, and developed many more.

SOME OF THE WAYS I HAVE SPENT MY TIME

Over that time, I started this blog and wrote a book on repentance (do any of you have any connections in publishing?). I have never studied, pondered and written on any subject more than I have on repentance, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Through this blog, I have made more friends. Many of you have shared that you are also going through excommunication and the myriad of emotions and experiences it brings. I hope this work continues to help others feel they are not alone in this most raw of experiences.

I have actively attended Church throughout my entire excommunication. I have filled assignments and volunteered for more where and when I could. I have studied scriptures and had the Spirit show me things I had never previously understood. Most importantly, I have developed a relationship with Jesus Christ on an entirely new level. My trust in Him and His timing is beyond what I know how to explain. I love and appreciate Him!

THE COUNCIL CAN HAPPEN!

Recently, my current stake president invited me to a membership council to consider rebaptism. He received permission from the First Presidency to hold the council. The final decision would then be with Church headquarters after the stake president submits his recommendation.

The emotions did not hit at first, but they erupted for those two days before my council.

I was told they would have to read through the minutes of the council that decided to withdraw my membership. That did not initially bother me, but soon struck me in ways that surprised me. Feelings welled up inside me powerfully. Frustration, embarrassment, pain, anxiety, and more; feelings I had not felt for years.

With time, and Christ’s love, those emotions had been washed away in the years after membership was removed. It is true that if we yoke ourselves with Him, our burdens become lighter.  Yet now somehow very un-Christlike emotions were flooding back. In those two days I spent reflecting on my first council, I recalled more clearly what I experienced that night beyond that of the weight of sin. I reflected on the nature of some of the questions I was asked, and in that reflection, I was again finding myself struggling to feel the Spirit.

DO I HAVE TO RELIVE THIS PART?

At one point I called my stake president to tell him I was not interested in attending this council if I had to sit and listen to the minutes of the previous one. I was fine with the new council reading the minutes amongst themselves and then inviting me to answer whatever questions they had. I was ok with facing my previous actions, but I did not want to relive that first council. It was a challenging and frustrating experience for me. In the past five years, I have developed more of an ability to speak up for myself, and this was a time I was choosing to.

I found it much more difficult to get into a suit and drive to this council than I did going to the first one, and I realized it was because of the memories I have of the first one. To be fair, I did feel love from two of the four leaders involved in that council, but that was not what I was feeling now. Satan was throwing every emotion he could at me to keep away. There have predictably been emotional and other obstacles over the past two years right before any spiritual accomplishment I have had. But thankfully this night, the relationship I had built with the Savior was stronger than the impulse to go home.

THE COUNCIL

When I arrived, the President invited me in for a one-on-one visit, and I shared those thoughts and emotions one more time. The emotions that came from reflecting on the first council did not bring the Spirit for me, and I would not sit and listen to the minutes re-read. I was concerned that listening to minutes would bring back more salacious questions I may have forgotten that were asked. I did not want to deal with the feelings I felt from the first council ever again.

It did not bring me any comfort when my current president assured me that that particular question, or any potentially like it, had not been recorded in the minutes, in fact, in some ways it bothered me further. Oh, the emotional rollercoaster….

True to how the Gospel of Jesus Christ can work on our souls, that initial heart-to-heart visit with the president brought peace back to my soul. He did permit me to sit out for the reading of the minutes and the Spirit washed back over me. My courage returned, and my hopeful anticipation was restored.

As I waited for them to prepare for me, I got up and went for a bathroom break. Stepping out of the stake suite, I saw a man from my ward and we had a brief chat. While I did not tell him why I was there, I thought of my first council and the fear I had of that stake clerk stepping out of his office – this time I was tempted to tell my new friend Dave why I was there, but I restrained. Now you know Dave.

This council was beautiful. It was full of compassion and appreciation, and it was full of love. This process was ultimately rewarding. As I was asked about my experiences with Jesus Christ, the Spirit, and other aspects of my life, I was humbled at what the Atonement has done for me. I am far from perfect, but I have the love and support of the One who is.

After the questions and conversation, I went back out to sit on the sofa while the stake presidency counselled together and sought the will of the Lord concerning me. I could feel Heavenly Father’s love for me through them. And their desire to understand my experience felt sincere. I felt heard and understood.

I had sinned and experienced the consequences of my sin with the Church and with others. Part of the experience is wondering who will forgive you. I now know how it feels when they do.

After a time, I was called back in and told they felt it was time for me to be re-baptized. I deeply appreciated their decision but was still well aware that the First Presidency has the final decision. The members of my Stake presidency hugged me, and I went to the truck to call my wife.

THE PROBLEM I NOW FACE

One of the challenges I have experienced throughout my journey is the feeling that by excommunicating me from the Church, the Church took itself out of my repentance process. Among the numerous manuals and training the Church provides to help with everything from death and divorce to LGBTQ and Trans challenges, there is nothing for those going through this. Beyond five vague paragraphs deep in the handbook, there is no training or support for you and I needing to repent in the most severe way the Church can impose.

I mentioned this lack of resources and support one day to someone who responded “Well of course not, (the excommunicated) are not members”. I restrained from pointing out that her argument does not explain the money spent on missionary work and visitor centers worldwide – because that is done in outreach specifically for non-members.

But then it struck me that her quick response was a reflection on the Church culture and even Church policy as a whole when interacting with those who have been excommunicated. I could not be upset with her.

So the challenge remains. I have developed a relationship with the Savior that brought such comfort, peace, support, and guidance without being allowed the sacrament, the temple, or even the garment.  I have had a beautiful experience with God, with my Saviour.  I have deepened my relationship with and trust in them, and I have done it outside my membership in the Church. 

How would I now fit the Church back into that?

And how long it will take the First Presidency to respond…