40 – Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Case for Sticking It Outfeatured

After having the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints withdraw one’s membership, an individual must decide whether to see the repentance process through to completion or just to move on and leave it behind. That is not a small decision as it will likely affect more people than just you. Family, friends and other members of the Church may play a part in your considerations and frankly, any of them can influence your decision to stay or to go.

I have seen spouses encourage staying with the Church and I have also seen them encourage leaving. Friends can have a pull in either direction. The members may be welcoming and encouraging or shunning and shaming. But ultimately the decision to stay or go, while influenced by others, is yours alone to make.

A CASE FOR LEAVING

Many who lose their membership never make their way back to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and from what I have seen, do not often join any other church either. They want nothing more to do with religion. Yet being excommunicated allows you to see and experience living the Gospel of Jesus Christ outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and it is eye-opening. I have seen that there are some very compelling reasons why people choose to keep walking away once the doors to their Church membership have been firmly shut behind them.  Some reasons to walk away from the Church are predictable, but the ability to still connect with Heavenly Father so strongly was a surprise for me.

• God still loves me – and you – and always will. President Holland stated, “I testify that you have not travelled beyond the reach of divine love”. “Laborers in the Vineyard” April 2012 He then continues to expound the blessings that can be found by repenting through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  But this one statement alone applies to any of us, regardless of our circumstances or Church status. I have found that Jesus Christ loves us in our deepest and darkest moments, whether we intend to follow Him again or not. And IF you allow yourself to feel it, you can! He loved us before we were born, He loved us as we stumbled through our youth and teenage years, and He loves us even now as we are caught up in the depths of our sin. He loves us just as much if we sin a little or sin a lot. Whether we are LDS, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, trying to find our own path – or even those who once were LDS! He loves all of us! If we never go back to Church, He will still love us! His love for us is eternal and perfect, AKA complete. And you can still feel that and enjoy many blessings of the Gospel – even as an excommunicated member.

People of other faiths, even non-Christian ones, find strength, guidance, purpose and even peace in their worship. Heavenly Father still blesses them in their faith, and I do not doubt that when they pass on they will be lovingly embraced for it. I believe a massive number of those faithful who die in other religions will accept what their God/Creator invites them to do next as they learn who it was that rewarded their faith on earth as they lived Gospel principles. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not have the lock on all the wonderful gifts of the Spirit. The gifts of the Spirit come to those who follow Gospel principles and align themselves with the Spirit regardless of one’s proclaimed faith. 

• If you leave the church, you can stop worrying about what you eat, drink, wear, say, watch, think, or do. As you are no longer in a committed relationship with the Church or its members, it’s easier to be unconcerned about what the Church or its members are thinking about your actions. For many, instead of using the Church as a touchstone for their decisions, influence may now be transferred over to friends, celebrities, and media. It can often be tempting to “explore” options one did not while a member of the Church or even to deliberately make choices that go against Church teachings.  This can feel like “freedom” or “liberation”- particularly to someone who feels “burned” by their loss of membership.

• Although you may now feel like a kind of ‘outsider’ to the Church organization, you will still have friends, and likely some who are still active in the Church. You may find friends you feel more comfortable being around who are outside of the Church. For many who have lost their membership, the feelings of shame and inadequacy are a big challenge when interacting with active members. Whether intentional on a member’s part or locally sourced in your own mind, shame is far too often a huge player within the Church community for many of us. Many find it more desirable to avoid shame by avoiding anyone or anything associated with those feelings.

• You will likely have more control over your time. I spent 18 years out of 19 in callings that had me attending Ward Council meetings. My entire adult life in the Church has included time commitments both inside and outside the block of time on Sunday. Once excommunicated, this amount of time spent previously serving in the Church became particularly noticeable.  When I got my motorcycle, instead of hours of Church meetings and other commitments, once Church was done on Sunday, I would head to the mountains to connect more personally with Heavenly Father and enjoy the beautiful world He had created for us. I am not saying motorbiking on Sunday is a better use of time than serving in the Church. But, as that was no longer a possibility for me, it highlighted how much time was freed up with the loss of membership.

• Money. With Church membership comes monetary commitments and expenditures.  Tithing, Fast offerings, un-reimbursed money spent on activities and candy for the bishop’s office. Let it be noted that I have no regrets about any time, money or other sacrifice I willingly gave in my years in the Church. But not counting the sometimes intangible benefits of paying tithing, it is an expense that you don’t have outside the Church.

• You don’t have to worry about trying to reconcile any concerns about Church history and policy with your membership in the Church.  If the Church’s history or any of its policies have been or currently are hard for you to understand or accept, it is much easier to walk away than to work on understanding and/or accepting those things. *

• You can avoid feeling obligated to make hard changes to repent. You can carry on with the behaviour that “got you into trouble” with the Church, if that’s your desire, without any fear of further Church discipline.  Be aware that the cognitive dissonance between what you know to be good and what you are actually choosing may still be there.  However, the obligation and guilt may now be lessened and the situations and experiences that highlight those sentiments can be more easily avoided.  *

* In today’s anti-mormon vernacular, you will still have to experience what is called “deconstruction” of your faith. In LDS vernacular, you will have to learn to ignore the promptings of the Spirit. It sounds like these are not easy tasks.

Many people go on to live happy and contented lives outside of the Church, while others leave the Church – either through membership loss or through lifestyle choice – yet continue to be bothered by the Church and by those who remain active.  Conversely, many in the Church have difficulty with those who choose to leave. I suspect that The Savior would have both sides choose to show love and respect to the other. 

The fact is that you and I have a choice to make.

SOME OF MY CONSIDERATIONS

After having evaluated many reasons for leaving, I have spent much time pondering reasons to stay. I can stay away and still find people to serve and charities to donate to for personal and tax purposes. I can make new friends and even find peace in Christ and blessings galore by living the doctrines of the Gospel of Christ – I know that because I am doing that now.

I have found that I can stay home and invite Jesus Christ into my life, and He will come over. Just like a reliable friend, He will be in my life as much as I let him in. I can pray, and He will answer. I can read scripture and He will teach me. I can cry, and He will come and comfort me – as long as I invite Him. He is the best friend one can ever have, and He loves me unconditionally. There are hundreds of millions of people around the world living and thriving without membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today.

While Jesus is my best friend, I am not His only friend, and He is involved in so much more than just ministering to me. He also has a chain of “training facilities” (ie: Church congregations) where willing individuals can go and work to be better than they would be if they never left their houses. Not better than anyone else. Not loved more than the person who never leaves their own home. But they get more out of life by living it. Like the individual who chooses to get out of the house and go to the gym – going to the gym allows them to access an environment that helps develop their physical body in ways they could not at home – making it stronger and healthier.

This chain of training facilities is full of people who are choosing to try. All will fail at some of the things some of the time, but their effort will strengthen them and they will become better versions of themselves in the effort. Ideally, they become more compassionate with others as they recognize that they simply cannot become their best without Jesus Christ.

Having listed some reasons I can see for people to walk away, here are my reasons why I think it’s worth sticking this out.  

MY REASONS TO STAY

• The one thing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has that can be found nowhere else is the Priesthood Authority – it is real, and it binds people for the Eternities. Through it, I can access all the blessings of the temple. I want to be in His house tied to my ancestors with a hope for my place in a family line reaching both directions. And I want to be sealed to my wife! 

• It is Christ’s Church, and because of what He does for me I want to help Him in His work in whatever small way I can. I find adventure and growth in it. His Church makes it easier for me to do the things I love. I love interacting with people. I love trying to lift other people’s spirits because it lifts mine at the same time. I enjoy serving others and the Church makes that so easy to do by providing me with all kinds of opportunities. I find it easier to have the Spirit regularly in my life as I attend meetings weekly. There is growth and self-discovery in it for me. 

• I recognize that it is through the revelations given to prophets that I know about Heavenly Mother, my place in an eternal family, and many other details of Jesus Christ and His Gospel that bring me peace and hope. I do not doubt that there is more to be revealed and those kinds of truths will only come through His prophet. I love that the understanding I have of the Gospel of Jesus Christ through His Church gives me vision and comfort in these most crazy of days.

• I love my Savior Jesus Christ. He has offered me the opportunity to repent – indeed, He gave His life so that I could learn and grow through that process, and I am going to accept that gift and build myself back better than I was – through Him.

• Certainly, this experience I am having now has taught me more about repenting and aspects of Jesus Christ, His Atonement and His love that I had not understood as a bishop. No matter how I am called to serve in His Church again, I will be able to do it with a greater depth than I ever had before. I am excited to serve in ways I could not before!

• Lastly, and most importantly, I will not deny my spiritual experiences. Even if there were only the two I talk of in post 13, “Testimonies are Puzzling” I would be all in – yet aside from those there have been so many more over the years. And I will not toss out the countless interactions I have experienced with my Savior Jesus Christ over these past 4 years. Cherishing those has been the biggest driver for me in staying active and this effort to help others going through a loss of membership.

The reasons to leave can be compelling and I now understand to a much greater extent why someone would choose to stay away.  For me, however, the reasons to stay speak to what I am truly looking for in life.  They allow me to develop a relationship with my Savior, including an everlasting future with Him, as well as a partnership in being able to help Him serve others.  My reasons for staying will, ultimately, allow me to access my highest potential…

And so, I am choosing to go back when the changes in me are considered sufficient and my time is served. What about you?