4 – The Aftermath and More New Feelingsfeatured

THAT BUILDING

I’m not sure how it felt for you, but for me, It felt so strange leaving the stake center that night. That building had been my stake center for 25 years. 

I had been there for so much more than just stake conferences. I baptized two daughters there. I have been blessed to work quite a bit with youth, and as such there had been many conferences and chaperoning youth dances. I still laugh at one dance my daughter did not want me in the gym so she requested YMCA by the Village People hoping it would make me leave.

That was the building we met in while I was a Young Single Adult bishop. What a wonderful time it was with those amazing younger-than-me people and outstanding missionaries that served there. It was an old and unique building and exploring with some of them trying to find the hidden access to the stairs that went up the spire was a fun after activity activity. 

While YSA bishop I had a motion sensor candy machine I had been given years earlier I kept M&Ms in. One Wednesday evening I walked into the office and noticed the machine was mostly empty. I had told Dean in the other ward bishopric that he was welcome to them anytime, but surely he would not eat that much since Sunday! I took a handful and as I was chewing them I noticed some off to the side that had been broken open and left lying there. How strange. I looked behind the credenza and was shocked to see the 3” space behind on the floor covered with broken M&Ms for a full 5 feet!

There I was standing with a mouthful of these things as I realized the mice had discovered how to activate the discharge, break open the candy and feast on the peanut inside! Then I thought of Tyler, my amazing ward clerk who just weeks earlier had a brush far too close to death from Hantavirus, a virus spread by deer mice that kills something like 40% of the people who get it in the first 7 days! Thankfully he did not die, but did he get it from this room??? Am I chewing on the virus right now??? Thankfully neither fear was true, but it led to a side interest in that building that had me setting and cleaning mouse traps for a time afterwards.

That building will always trigger deep inside me some amazing memories of experiences, but mostly the wonderful people. 

MORE FEELINGS

Now that night, after the council as I got in my truck and drove away, all new emotions filled my head and heart.

What were the feelings you had? Did you feel rejected? Pushed away? Misunderstood? Was there fear, anger or both? Likely most of us felt embarrassed. Were you determined to get back, or planning to never enter a Church building again? Did you feel like they did the Lord’s will? Did you feel the Lord still loved you?

As we stood to leave the council one of the men told me he loved me and was proud of me. I cannot express how the honesty of his comment cut through all the emotions and found a home in my heart. It gave me strength and I still feel deep appreciation for his comment.

HOW I FELT AS A LEADER

While serving as bishop, I felt it was my responsibility to have individuals who left that office go out with the feeling that whatever they had done, and whatever lay ahead of them, their Bishop loved them, that the repentance ahead of them was possible, and he would do anything he could to help them. I know that is the way the Savior Jesus Christ is with us, so why shouldn’t His bishops help individuals feel that same Christlike charity? I honestly loved (and still love) the members I served.

I recall one of the times being replaced as a bishop when the incoming one said to me that he was amazed at the amount of love he felt towards whoever was sitting across the desk from him  – someone who was working on whatever stage of repentance. I suspect most bishops feel that way. It is a heavy responsibility. The human element means some bishops respond differently than others, but they all love the Lord and strive to help. (I will share my thoughts on this in another post)

TIME TO TELL OTHERS

The first person I called was my estranged wife. I had moved out several weeks before and was living in an empty condo that friends owned. I will not share details on the call because this blog is not about that relationship.

I had been fasting all day – so I stopped for a burger and shake.

I called my brother. Growing up I was the annoying younger brother, and he understandably had little patience for me. I recall shortly before his mission we had a towel-snapping fight in the kitchen – he clearly won, but I was happy just to have some fun with him! Since our missions, we have developed a brotherhood that blesses my life. He was – and still is – serving as a Stake President, and at this point in my life it is very helpful to have him to talk things through with. His Christlike compassion was comforting.

 I responded to a text from a close friend and went to bed, deciding to respond to the two other texts in the morning.

NEW CLOTHES

The following day I had to go clothes shopping. I was no longer to wear the temple garment but had nothing else. I did not really think I would need to – or maybe it was a superstitious kind of thing. President told me I could wear it one more day but that was all. I had been wearing the garment for over thirty years and I was not mentally prepared to quit. It is a gift to be able to wear, and I felt that even more so now. I thought of the day I first received my endowment and went that evening to a Church dance – as I walked into the gym a girl I knew ran up screaming “you went to the temple, I can see your eternal smile!” Talk about awkward! This day I felt awkward in Costco trying to figure out what kind I would wear now. I still wear an undershirt as I am just more comfortable with one after all those years, and it reminds me of my focus to get back to the temple.

Finding a new style of underclothing after all those years proved to be much more difficult for my mind and body than I would have anticipated. I miss the garment and all that it represents for me.

THIS IS NOT FUN!

In writing this post I have returned to my journal entries of those days. Wow! I am amazed to realize just how much the Atonement of Jesus Christ has lifted from my life since then! It felt SO heavy – day and night. There were conversations that had to happen and fears I had to face. I developed a sharp pain that ran in a line from my left eye over the top to the back of my head. It was months before I could get to an optometrist because of Covid, and the diagnosis was my eyes were great, “it must be a stress thing”. I was surprised – but not really. One day I noticed a hole on the side of my eye tooth with my tongue and went to have the filling replaced. The dentist told me there was never a filling there, that I had a stress fracture from grinding that had popped off a bit of tooth. Who knew that is a thing?

I don’t share this to seek sympathy, just to share how it once was.

How grateful I am that those days have passed. How thankful I am for the Savior taking on my stress through His Atonement!

THERE IS HOPE!

However heavy you feel at this point, whatever you may be dealing with, I found that focusing on my relationship with my Savior took so much of it away as I held on to Him through the toughest times. I have no doubt that He can do it for you too – if you let Him.

What a gift to have that journal and see what the Savior did for me! I would suggest that if you don’t journal now that you start right away. Include a list of things you are grateful for at the end of each day. You will see that you are being blessed even in the thick of it, and you will be even more grateful for the Savior as you look back in years to come.

I can testify that if you stay close to the Lord, He will pull you through and bless you more than you can imagine!

*Please comment below – and follow me on Instagram at onesheep.blog to help me find others who have lost their membership!