26 – The Victim Card – Part 2featured

It is inevitable that we all, sooner or later, experience physical, emotional and spiritual “trauma”. How we handle that will make a massive difference in our growth physically, emotionally or spiritually.

DRAWING ON THE BISHOP EXPERIENCE

As a bishop, I would attend quarterly Bishop Welfare Committee meetings where the discussion was often looking for the best way to support people going through financial trials. When it comes to financial matters a bishop aims to help someone through the bad times without creating a permanent reliance on the Church for aid. It’s not that the Church can’t afford to help in the long run, it’s because, in the long run, that does not help the individual grow. And growth is what life is all about.

I had a single lady in my ward who struggled for some time to earn all she needed to pay her bills. She was not living an unreasonable lifestyle, yet she was holding down two jobs and still required some help from the fast-offering donations. As part of the help she received she was making cookies for the missionaries to deliver as little gifts from the ward. I provided the ingredients and she provided the finished product. One of the many memorable moments I had as a bishop was the Sunday she came up to me with the most sincere and happy smile and announced that she would no longer require financial assistance from the Lord’s funds. She had gotten a new job that paid better than the two others combined and was now able to cover all of her expenses herself. She was so happy, so proud of herself, and I was so very happy for her. She had overcome the trial she had fought against for some time and had grown because of it! She saw the hand of the Lord helping her through her trial, and then she saw the hand of the Lord helping her faithfully work for a solution that ultimately strengthened her and her testimony.

DANGERS OF THINKING LIKE A VICTIM

Developing a victim mentality leads to shirking responsibility, if not for our current situation, for finding our own path out of it. Thinking like a victim makes it easy to get down and stay down. Victims often look at others for why they are struggling and wait for others to take their struggles away. It seems that, often, they end up being victims over and over and over again.

 Life is intended to be an interpersonal experience with a family-first mentality of helping each other through tough times. Certainly, there are some situations where a family member has a lifetime disability that will always require help, but most tough times can and should come to an end.  The process of getting through the situation allows us to develop resilience and move forward with a newfound ability to help others.

VICTIMS WEAR TARGETS

One of the great dangers of adopting a victim mentality deserved or not, is that we become a target for others. Sometimes it can be petty, like the high school kid who wants to let everyone know about your problems so they can feel better about their own. (I saw as a bishop that often the person making the most noise had the most to hide.) When someone allows themselves to be a victim in high school it can cause problems with grades, self-worth and more. Sometimes it follows them into their life after school. When someone allows themselves to be a victim in church it can cause problems with self-worth, or worse, it can affect one’s efforts to stay connected with God. People become tempted to blame God for what others do with their agency rather than turn to God for help coping with how others’ agency is affecting them. Once Satan gets them to blame God, it is easy to get them to stop praying, reading their scriptures or attending Church.

In a more conniving way, people look to take advantage of a victim in order to exploit them for their own gain. Back in the day, whenever I helped a family organize a funeral service I would suggest having someone sit at their home during the memorial service. It is deplorable, but people have been known to watch the obituaries in the newspaper to find out when funerals were happening, and then burglar the home during the service.

I have seen it happen during a catastrophe where someone will sell bottled water or a service of some sort to members of the affected community at ridiculously inflated prices – because they see someone struggling and see that as an opportunity to profit from it.

It is my experience that people who see themselves as victims become more susceptible to being manipulated. There are people who will feed that feeling of victimhood until they are able to get something they want from them. From creating allies for their own agenda to straight-up taking their money

YOU CAN SEE IT EVERYWHERE TODAY

If you pay any attention to what is going on in the world today it does not take long to see one group of people – be it politicians, lawyers or otherwise – will often put the label of Victim on another group, and then use the trauma that group has experienced for their own advancement. Sometimes it is done sincerely, but It can be callous and evil. While they proclaim to be helping that traumatized group, their efforts often make those who are struggling feel worse. The labelling often does not heal or help, and it does not provide solutions or empowerment. What it does do is allow that opportunist person or group to “take charge” of the experience and the resultant narrative.  The traumatized group frankly becomes victimized a second time, sometimes without even realizing it.

Perhaps this example is a little dark, but it makes my point. When a boy and girl are out Friday night parked out at “the point”, the boy might portray himself as a victim. ‘Unfair” parents, a bad performance in the high school game that night, or something else will be used to play on the heartstrings of the girl – all in an effort to get her to do something she may not otherwise be willing to do. Conversely, he may feed the feelings of victimhood that she has from something that happened in her friend group or elsewhere. He may highlight how ‘unfairly’ she has been treated in order to get her to do something she would not otherwise do. It happens.

THE MIND GAMES

I have had people suggest to me that because I am out of the Church anyway, I might as well go have a little “fun” and try some things I have never tried before. The suggestion may be made in jest with no effort to really sell me on the idea, or it may be made by someone who really wants to see me fail so they can feel better about their own lack of commitment to the Gospel and teachings of Jesus Christ. Whatever the motivation, if I allow myself to feel like a victim in my circumstances, I will be more susceptible to the suggestion.

I know that if I were to spend time looking for things to feel are not right or unfair, I would find something. If not in the decision of the council, perhaps in something someone has said or done afterward. I know that if I were to dwell on those thoughts, I would find myself having to reconsider some important decisions I made prior to my current situation. President Thomas S. Monson is known for the phrase “When the time for decision arrives, the time for preparation is passed” Dare to Stand Alone Oct 2011. I have found moments where I recognized I was more susceptible to dangerous suggestions, and I simply had to trust the decisions I had made earlier.

When Joseph Smith was wrongfully and cruelly imprisoned in Liberty Jail, he came to a point where he cried out to God because of the conditions he and his friends were in, as well as for the conditions the whole body of the Saints was enduring. In response, the Lord shared a line that I have used to help me. “All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” D&C 122:7 I don’t want to sound tone-deaf to whatever you may be feeling and experiencing, but I do share this as a testimony that this scripture helps me. It helps me move forward in faith that If I handle things the most Christlike way I can, I will learn and grow. The Lord knows how to turn even the bleakest moments into something good in our lives and we will see how that unfolds over time as we move forward in faith.

WHAT I DO NOT WANT

If anyone says to me “Poor you”, “You were treated unfairly”, “that’s not fair” or any other comments along that line of thinking, my internal radar goes off. It does not matter what it is in relation to.

• I do not want someone to use me or my story to cause another person to experience feelings or make choices that would make their lives more difficult. For example, portraying me as a victim and fostering distrust or animosity toward the Church or its leadership.
• I do not want to develop a habit of blaming others for my problems and expecting someone else to fix them for me. I know that I will never be happy expecting others to make me happy.
• I do not want someone putting thoughts in my head that would fester into confusion frustration or even anger for me. 
• I do not want to be convinced to do something outside of my nature, essentially manipulating me, by convincing me I am a victim of something.
• I do not want someone holding me back by making me feel worse about myself or my circumstances. I already feel bad about my wrong choices, I don’t need someone encouraging me to spend more time in those feelings.

MY CHOICE OF NAME TAG

I am me. I am not a victim, I am simply dealing with the consequences of my actions. Other people’s actions have added to some of my problems, and that has complicated my experience, but I choose to wear the name tag of “Son of God” as that reminds me I am simply experiencing life on earth for a time. With that label, I can understand why life is hard sometimes – it reminds me of my divine identity and potential, helps me see my difficulties as temporary, and empowers me to turn to my Heavenly Father for help. I know He will help me; I just need to watch and listen to make sure I am catching on. It is easy to miss His guidance and support through distraction or selfishness.

People can justify wearing the Victim nametag in just about any situation that makes them uncomfortable or proves challenging. It seems to me that this label, and the mindset it represents, restricts more than it empowers, prevents more than it enables, and opens a person up to the potential for further victimization.  Therefore, it is a label I do not choose to wear.  

How about you?